It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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