Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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