Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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