I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
