just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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