Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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