I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
