There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
