Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
