also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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