I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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