Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
