She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
