I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
