Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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