Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
