My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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