I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
