I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
