Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
