During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize