Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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