Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
