Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I will be naked everywhere
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Help. Why am I so naked?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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