Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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