my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
