Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
