i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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