here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
soo... how was my night?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
