The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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