My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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