I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
