the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
