ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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