I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We have started to decorate penises.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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