She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
