Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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