I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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