Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
