Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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