so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The beer is more important than you right now.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
