I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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