The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
