you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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