Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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