I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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