i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
