I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
