proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
