he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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