Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
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I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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