The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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