Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
