I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
