can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
