Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
