My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
