i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
