he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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