When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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